I believe that life isn’t fair. That bad things happen to good people. And sometimes the line between right and wrong can get a little blurry.
Some people might define that all as a lack of belief. I might agree.
In terms of dating, I believe a person can do her best, be her best, have the world’s most positive outlook and still not be able to have much control over how things turn out. Mind over matter… sure, OK, whatever. I’ll buy that a negative attitude will likely bring you failure. But no one is ever going to be able to sell me on the opposite. But then, perhaps that’s my problem
I also believe, as I do with all things in life, that wanting something requires (from me) an action. If I want to have someone with whom I can share my bed at night then I must (because of the way I am) work towards that goal. I can’t, really can’t, want something and do nothing about it. I’m just not made that way.
So even this week, when I said I was taking the week off from dating, I find myself reading my online dating messages and thinking, What about him? Because I want. And I’m trying to figure out, which direction to go in.
When I first started to correspond and then talk with Mr. Midwest I described him to a friend as the anti-M. And I remember saying, “I could use an anti-M in my life”. So maybe I went too far in the anti-M direction? Or maybe I was focusing on the wrong things, entirely? Or maybe M was close to the kind of guy for me. Just NOT.
I don’t know. I guess what I’m saying is that I’m nowhere near done trying yet. And OK with the fact that I am very imperfect in all of it (even as I constantly shift directions). And OK with the very real possibility that no matter what I do and how hard I try it might all still come to naught.
Tags: Online dating