This is a post that started in the comment thread a couple of posts ago. I asked the readers/commenters if it was OK for me to move the conversation here.
And here we are:
your birthday day sounded lovely! looking forward to your dating updates! just got back online myself… big sigh…online dating after 40 is not fun. (not to be a downer.) if you’re pondering topics to write on in upcoming weeks….. here’s a story that might provoke some thought. i met a single gal-pal for breakfast this morning, at which time i shared with her that i’d gotten back on match…a few moments later she made a comment about “people like you [me] who don’t want to be alone” … that bugged me. it’s not that i don’t want to be alone – it’s that i do want to be with someone….as i drove away from our meeting, i was thinking about what she said, and decided there is a distinct difference between people who want to be in a relationship (committed, married, or otherwise) and people don’t want to be alone. (the latter label seeming derogatory). i want to be in a relationship, thus i’m on match looking for a … well, a match…i’m taking action. i did not choose to get on match because i want to avoid lonliness. i’m ok with being alone, but i would prefer to do life with someone (male) alongside. would love to hear your thoughts if you’re so inclined to write about it….
Anny- I can really relate to your comment because I also have a “gal-pal” who always has some very unpleasant comments to make on regarding my life. Perhaps I could express to her how uncomfortble her comments make me feel, but, long term, I realize that she is a person who has a very negative outlook on life, is unhappy,etc and, as long as I choose to spend time with her, will always have the “ugly/black” point of view. Although we do share things in common, I am seriously considering ending the friendship.
As to the comment your friend made, I must ask-what is wrong with not wanting to be alone?? I read your above thoughts, but really you owe no one a rationalization!
My mother was divorced at about 50, is now 65. She has had numerous boyfriends and now is very happy with someone who is proving to her “best and last.” They met online. Although, my mom has a good job, lots of friends, two kids, etc,she joined Jdate because “she did not want to alone.” And that is that!!
Simone Grant says:
Would you ladies mind if I turned this VERY SMART and relevant comment thread into a future post? I want to make sure that everyone reads it.
Hi Simone, there is two themes in our comments- defining “being alone” as well as toxic friendships and letting other people’s negative comments get to you. Would love to hear your thoughts on both, but especially the latter. I myself have far too often let the issues, and resulting negative comments, of others get me down!
Like Lisa said, there are 2 distinct themes here. And frankly, I think they’re both pretty important. I wouldn’t want to smoosh them into a single post. For today, I’ll just get a little, itty-bitty starter on the whole, “not wanting to be alone” thing. And to do that I’m going to tell the story of my dad’s first date (since my mom passed away).
This was just a few weeks ago. He was set up by a good friend, one of my mom’s best friends. She called him and said that she knew a lady, from work, who was a relatively recent widow and thought that he would like her. She figured that it was time they both started dating, so why didn’t he call her. He did and they went out to dinner, during which they each spent a lot of time talking about how weird it was to be dating after being married for so long.
The woman, at the end of dinner, told my dad that she had a nice time but felt like it was too soon for her to be dating. And my dad replied by saying that he also felt that maybe it was too soon for him. But that, as things stood, he eats dinner alone most nights. And he guessed she does, too. So maybe they could get together sometimes and eat dinner together, instead of each eating dinner alone.
This is the story my dad told me. After, I asked him if he liked her and he said she seemed nice enough.
Anyway, that’s what came to mind. Quite frankly, I like being alone most of the time. And don’t really fear a life of eating dinner alone, night after night. I date for altogether different reasons.
What about you?
Tags: Online dating