Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

Misplaced Love

I know, I know. It’s been almost a week since I’ve responded to comments. I’m reading them. I’m not ignoring you. I just haven’t had the extra energy to reply.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry. I’ve been saying that a lot lately.

Anyway, I do have a little story for today.  One that I think most people can relate to.  If they let themselves.

I got an email, not too long ago, from a friend.  She was apologizing for being out of touch. Which I just thought was silly. Good never need to apologize for being out of touch. It happens. People get busy. Caught up in the details of their own lives. But the good are always there when you need them.

She then went on to say that she’s been massively and depressed. And hiding it from me and, I guess, just about everybody. She’d fallen in with the wrong person.  It was inappropriate. And accidental. Nothing she’d planned or wanted. It just happened.

And that, surprise, the in question was a total ass. Not worth her love.

I wrote back that she had nothing to be sorry for… And that I was here for her, always.  And that I knew a lot about misplaced love. I’ve been very good, in the past, at loving the wrong guy.  And that it takes time to recover from it but that the sadness does fade. Or something like that.

Funny (not funny) but I feel like I could be telling this same story (friend falls in love with inappropriate man and feels tragically depressed) about 3 or 4 different people I know.  Change around the genders and the numbers go up.

Love is an action, sure.  But it’s also a feeling. And sometimes people fall in love with the wrong people.  We misplace our love. And once that happens it’s really hard to just stop.  Feeling.

At least that’s been my experience.  Maybe other people can just say to themselves, ‘he’s not worth it and as of today I’m not going to love him anymore’.  But not me.

ps.  M texted me on my birthday. I deleted it immediately and did not reply. That really is over. As my friend Jack from Brooklyn likes to remind me, the opposite of love isn’t hate. It’s indifference. I’m almost there.

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30 to “Misplaced Love”

  1. Katie says:

    I totally agree. I have fallen for the wrong guy many times. And I agree ‘love’ has been used as an action for me. I think its been something seen as a word you can throw it around (or I have in the past).

    Jane Green has a new book out, the title is Love is a verb.

    Shes a great author if you want to look her up.

    Take Care.

    • Simone Grant says:

      Thanks darling.
      Love is one of those funny words. It’s something we do, but not something we can control. At least not all of the time.

      Funny, yeah…

  2. Lan says:

    i don’t know why but this post makes me sad and i feel like crying.

    i guess it’s a touchy subject for me.

    • Simone Grant says:

      I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make anyone sad. I write these things because, for whatever reason, I believe it’s better to share our stories and experiences.

      • Lan says:

        and please do keep sharing your stories.

        like everyone else i have loved the wrong person and all that wasted time and emotion, such a pity. *that’s* what makes me sad. tho, i wouldn’t be where i am without those experiences…

  3. anny says:

    awesome post. agree! thanks for sharing. and…good for you – indifference, in some cases, is not a bad thing!

    • Simone Grant says:

      Thanks anny.

      Indifference is hard. I gotta be honest with you. There have been days when suddenly I care. I don’t have regrets about how things turned out. But I care. And then other days I’m utterly indifferent.

      I look forward to being indifferent all of the time.

  4. SoloAt30 says:

    Yes, I know the pain (and shame) of falling in love with the wrong people. I know how easy it is to withdraw from your friends when you realize how misplaced your emotions have been and are embarrassed. I’m so glad your friend has you to reach out to.

    • Simone Grant says:

      Thanks. It’s amazing to me how many of us feel embarrassed in these situations. Or ashamed. It’s such a common human experience.

  5. Lifebeginsat30ty says:

    Ah, the difference btwn loving someone and being in love. Some people
    Say you can help who you but I don’t think so. And I agree with the indifference part. I knew my marriage was over not when I was angry at him, but when I didn’t give a shit anymore!

  6. Simone Grant says:

    Oh yes – such a big difference. Being in love vs loving someone.

    I don’t think there’s anything I (or anyone) can do to help other than listen. Listening can be magical.

  7. Lena.FM says:

    It’s life, we have all been there, and will probably be there again. Or not. <3

    • Simone Grant says:

      Funny, but I’m ok with the idea of being there again. Because it’s hard to control these things. And I’d rather love freely (and make mistakes) then keep it all bottled up in fear.

      • jan says:

        totally agree with the last comment..who wants to be right all the time,feeling is something not to be missed,shame about the heartache that usually follows..but I’d rather go through that than deny how i is for living afer all..and who knows maybe one day :)) great site glad i found it

  8. Sandyvs says:

    I think it all boils down to two sentences. You can’t help your feelings. Feelings change. What you CAN do is control your actions. The hardest thing I have ever done is get out of a bad relationship, more than once. I keep saying to myself, “This is NOT good for me, and I no longer do things that aren’t good for me”.

    • Simone Grant says:

      Yes, we can all control our actions.

      However, I’d guess that some of us (myself included) have a harder time acting on what we know is good for us. In the head/heart tug of war I know that my head will always win. But sometimes it’s going to be a long fight.

  9. She's Savvy says:

    I think we can all relate to misplaced love. I tend to fall for the wrong guys who know how to say all of the right things. The difference is once I’m able to see past the BS I cut things off and move on before I can let myself get hurt. I hate that it has to be that way but I figure why continue to waste time with someone who’s revealed their true self to you and you know they aren’t going to change.

    On another note, I enjoy your blog and I look forward to reading more from you. BTW, I’ve added you to my blogroll.

    • Simone Grant says:

      Being able to cut things off early is a good thing, I’d imagine. Helpful.

      Thanks so much for placing me on your blogroll. I’m going to go check out your blog later today!

  10. Aubrey says:

    Love this entry – really hit home.

  11. pillowchats says:

    While falling for the wrong guy hurts, it is definitely not in vain. You learn from your past and hopefully become better at partner.

  12. Colleen says:

    I felt compelled to comment that I’m just new to your blog, and I already love it. I actually started a dating blog as well back in 2008, then met a guy (who is now my ex as of 2 months ago), and didn’t post anything while we were dating. This was probably for a few reasons, a) I was really happy in my relationship (HA!) and didn’t feel like posting about dating b) He was a jealous sort, and once told me he didn’t want to read my previous pots because he “didn’t want to be swayed”. I understand his point, but my posts were just mostly about my insights into people and funny behaviors.

    Needless to say I now have 2 years worth of GREAT fodder to pick my blog back up and dust it off.

  13. Michele says:

    Love is in everything we do and in everyone. Just my perspective but here it goes……When you put the love out there for the person… is what was meant to be in that present moment. Taking those words back or being in denial about another person due to upset angry emotions is just lying to ourselves right? I have done it, as I am sure the rest of us has. I would consider a good friend someone who just listens to my upset but then asks me a powerful question instead of agreeing and telling me what I want to hear just to make me feel better. I recommend a good movie…..relationships exposed….”He’s just not that into you….” I found a lot of humor and truth to that movie…….I am loving what I am reading on your blog…..I just wanted to share my feedback on love and friends. Love is not just for men and woman… can love the art of love in anything and everything we do.

  14. yes this very disappointing situation if we people are come under the influence of disguise person really this great blow and such such type gye is really worse than prostitute coz such people r having quite genius excuse as such act but why they people would try to play with emotion .

  15. You all fall for the wrong guy because you lack knowledge in the emotional department, first step should be to learn, learn the knowledge that will empower you to find that especial man that you are looking for. It is not difficult all you have to do is to learn half of what I know.

  16. Paddy says:

    Yea I have fallen for the wrong guy but at the time it does feel right and when its over you do wonder and dream about the good times. My latest ex it has been a real test of my strength but when there is someone else involved it certainly does not make it easier the bitterness creeps in and that is what I am trying to deal with
    Paddy recently posted..The Relationship is Over. Is There Hope to Reunite?My Profile

  17. It’s easy to fall in love with the wrong person – if you really want to fall in love. I did it for a long time. A friend of mine once said that you learn all you need to know about someone in the first 30 minutes of meeting them. But, you can choose to ignore it and get involved, or you can acknowledge the qualities that make someone “not right” and move on. Do you all agree or disagree?
    Alexia Taylor recently posted..Theme Gift Baskets For Sports FansMy Profile

  18. Ali Hafiz says:

    “Love is an action” you have done a great job by saying this. It should be a quote!
    Talking about actions, I think that we all may fall for the wrong people but what is really important is what we can learn from such an experience and how we are going to avoid it in the future.
    Ali Hafiz recently posted..8 Killer Signs Of Rebound Relationships And How To Avoid Them!My Profile

  19. Bre says:

    I think it’s hard for many of us to not misplace our love. It’s seems like once we love someone it’s hard to stop no matter how much they hurt us. After a while it also seems like the partner picks up on that, so they use that to their advantage. They know that it’s hard for us to walk away. Also, I feel people are afraid to start over. Once we give up love, time, and affection to someone we don’t want to start over again from the begining.

  20. Very interesting commentaries although I do agree with the author’s insights on love being misplaced.

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