Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

It’s Not About Sex

The other night, while was lying in , I suddenly realized that what I miss, more than anything, is spending the whole night tangled up with someone. Held. Knowing that just hours away there was more to come.

It’s not the sex I miss.  To tell the truth, I’ve been having sex pretty regularly, lately.  But that’s another story. I miss the and the intimacy.  The closeness.

It’s been too long.

Really too long.

I actually wish I could say that I don’t remember the last time.  But that would be a lie.  I do remember the last time.  And remembering it, really thinking about it, still makes me well up with tears.  For lots of reasons.

Anyway.  I miss that.  A lot.  A. LOT.

More than the daytime hours companionship. More than having someone to lean on. More than I should.

And ever since I started to think about it, I can’t seem to think about anything else.

Not good.

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40 to “It’s Not About Sex”

  1. Lara says:

    Indeed. I hear you, sister. It’s what I call “body memory”, and it’s a bitch.

  2. Jolene says:

    Ya know, that’s exactly what I miss too.

  3. Terry says:

    the best part of sex is intimacy and the best part of intimacy is sex. And I discovered a new love- holding my son against my chest as we both fall asleep – now that is a wonderful feeling- one that I will miss as he grows older, and one that I will treasure all my life. So – yes, we are meant to connect with people in a physical way

    • Simone Grant says:

      “the best part of sex is intimacy and the best part of intimacy is sex.” – I’d agree with that. And it makes me sad.

      I know I can live without it. Live well, without it. But I’d be so much happier with it.

      • Terry says:

        Honey I have NO doubt it will be there. I can promise you this- when we come to NY there is a little boy who wants to meet you.

  4. LaLeLo says:

    I feel you, lady; sex is a wondrous thing, but nothing beats intimacy. I wonder if men feel the lack of it as much as we women do…?

  5. Lan says:

    and this is exactly what i have been trying so very hard to not think about. i’ve been focusing so intently on the fact that i haven’t gotten laid in awhile but really, at its core, i miss that intimacy/closeness. and it’s a lonely feeling for me knowing that i’m nowhere close to reaching that point.

    • Simone Grant says:

      I’ve started to lose time, chunks of it, as I sit and start into space and think about this. I think about the fact that so much time has passed since I’ve had true intimacy in my life. And I try not to cry.

      Yeah, it’s been a great week.

  6. LJ Maggie says:

    I completely understand where you are coming from. I miss that too. I do get sex but not the overnight intimacy is what I miss. I do have someone in my life that not only do we have sex and do have some intimacy after but it is never an overnight thing.

    • Simone Grant says:

      I have someone new(ish) in my life (post coming soon) and he tried to hold me for a little while the other night. I pulled away and made a joke of it. I can’t do a little bit of intimacy. Not now. I’m too needy for it.

  7. Rachel says:

    I just moved from Boston to Seattle. I vividly remember the last time I had sex- it was in May in a camper van parked in the middle of Boston. When it was over I remember having an internal instinct that I was not going to be having sex for many months. I was right. Now I am 3,031 miles away, and when I drive home at night, it’s not the actual sex I think about or crave. It is the intimacy, companionship– it is unwinding at the end of the day by entangling yourself in someone else’s fingers and legs and thoughts. I don’t know how many more miles I am going to have to move to find that.

    • Simone Grant says:

      :-( Oh I’m so there with you. Except I try to keep my memory out of my head. I don’t want to remember the vivid details. I just want to let it go.

  8. david *darkheath says:

    Yes… love stinks.

    Though oddly, why do I crave that pungent smell? And why am I so afraid when I catch a whiff?

  9. Sandy says:

    Boy, I feel like the oddball here. I feel that after I’ve shared my body with a man, I can hold and cuddle for hours afterward. The act of sex is so intimate to me that it doesn’t matter if we’re just having sex or in a deeper relationship.I am also very affectionate outside of sexual relationships. But……I’d truly rather sleep alone. I just don’t sleep well with someone in my bed. And when I do have someone spend the night, I’d rather not be tangled up with them. Bodies touching is ok, but that’s it!

  10. Erica Renee' says:

    This is so coincidental. I was actually lying in bed last night thinking the same thing. And honestly it isn’t the sex. It really is the feeling of warmth and closeness. AHH..whao is

  11. Dazediva says:

    I feel you … I miss the intimacy of being with someone; just being held and having my hair stroked. I haven’t had sex in a while; longer than I care to recall .. I don’t miss the sex as much as I miss the intimacy. At this point in my life, I don’t even want random casual sex – I want ‘to be’ with someone … damn now you’ve got me thinking of too many things

  12. Katie says:

    I totally know what you mean.
    I miss that too.

    And I find in relationships I have been in the past intimacy takes the backseat ‘passenger’ and sex becomes more of a ‘want now’ factor.

    I know that great guy is out there for me, just hate falling for the ‘wrong’ type of guys

    Chin up. You have a great support community on your blog and we (well maybe mostly, but me) totally understand you 100%

  13. annie says:

    maybe you miss it because that is what you need more than anything – more than sex, i would argue. maybe sex is secondary to a deep, all-knowing, completely unveiled relationship with another person. sex is only the physical, but what you want maybe is something more. maybe try having relationships that are dependent on the relationship, not sex? it might open up some possibilities for deeper connection.

    • Simone Grant says:

      You write as if having casual relationships precludes me from having more meaningful ones in the future, whereas I know (both from personal experience and because there’s actual research to back it up) that this isn’t true. I’d like to have a deep connection and LTR again someday. But it has to be right, with the right person. And until then, I’m happy to have other things in my life.

  14. Simon says:

    It’s about time women admit what they want is a family, above everything else.

    I’m sick of this “modern liberated women” crap. Women are just incredibly unhappy jumping from one bed to the next. You talk and talk about sex, when what you actually want is a husband, a home and kids to raise.

    Stop lying to yourselves.

    • Simone Grant says:

      What post did you read?
      Thanks for dropping by Simon, but I don’t want a family. Have no intention of ever having kids (as I’ve written about many times). Or a husband. I do, however, desire intimacy. Perhaps you should work on your reading comprehension skills?

  15. Demanda says:

    It seems like these comments hit a nerve with you Simone. You are clearly stating that you have a need but not sure that you are taking care of it in an emotionally healthy way- There is a difference between physical intimacy and otherwise. I think what is being said is that for the most part,is that sex should include physical intimacy and compassion. If you are having sex and not recieving these things and compartmentalizing emotional with physical needs you are clearly fooling yourself. Next time you hop into bed with someone, consider these things.

    • Simone Grant says:

      Really, “sex should include physical intimacy and compassion”. Says who? I quite like sex without those things, thankyouverymuch and so do millions of other people. I’m not fooling myself, I’m enjoying myself!
      Humans are complex creatures with many needs. I choose to compartmentalize. And when things aren’t going perfectly, I’m honest about that and work on solving the problem(s). And, FWIW, I don’t go around telling other people that their belief systems are wrong, which is exactly what you’re doing. I’d call that rude and judgmental. And yes, it hits a nerve when people are rude and judgmental. It pisses me off and rightly so.

  16. HP says:

    I’m a woman and I love sex! It’s fantastic with someone or even by yourself. But I do agree with a lot of the comments on here, I love the intimacy even more. My current boyfriend only occasionally can stay the night because of our mismatched schedules and he stayed over last night. It’s a tight fit in my bed, need a major upgrade, but it was so wonderful to be held through the night. To get up in the middle of the night for water or whatever and come back and be enveloped immediately in someone’s arms. Not to mention waking up to amazing morning sex. I mean there’s really nothing that can beat that type of intimacy. Sorry if I’m opening some wounds but I know that it will be the one thing I’ll miss the most when it’s gone.

  17. Hi Simone,
    I compartmentalize too. I can have casual sex with a friend with benefits, and then lounge around in bed drinking wine, chatting, laughing and NOT snuggling and be totally fine with that. I may not even desire to share that kind of cuddly intimacy with that special friend. But I do have moments when I miss the snuggles and cuddles post sex with the man I had been in love with. I miss that. In fact. I miss HIM. sigh. Love your blog. You just keep on keeping it real. Not everyone will be able to relate or understand, but it doesn’t matter. You are you and I appreciate you sharing your thoughts. xoxo
    Angelina JoLoveless recently posted..You Amuse Me- Young ManMy Profile

  18. Gina says:

    Physical intimacy is the act of sex/intercourse. I don’t know how you have sex without physical intimacy. YMMV on compassion being required. It is nice to have sex with someone who actually cares if you enjoy yourself and have an orgasm. Sex devoid of compassion isn’t terribly fulfilling for me.

  19. barnett says:

    Wow this reminds me of cake…

    Sex in a relationship is like icing, but just having icing will not give you the full satisfaction that a whole cake can. Having someone that honestly loves you inside and out is like having the best cake ever, with the option of adding icing to it.

  20. Evie says:

    I know exactly what you mean. I haven’t had sex in ages. I could just go down the pub on a Friday and try and pull, but I miss all the nice stuff that comes with sex when you both like each other as much as I miss the sex.

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