Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

Sex Matters. A LOT!

Sex Matters. A LOT! most popular dating blogs  iStock 000008423431XSmall 300x220I couldn’t sleep. Nothing new there. Hours had passed since I’d gone to during which time I’d listened to several podcasts (it’s what I usually do when I can’t sleep).

At some point I got tired of podcasts and decided to get up and turn on the computer. And, of course, I checked twitter. Someone tweeted a link to some advice article, the type of thing I normally wouldn’t read. I do read some advice, and some advice columns quite regularly (like Dan Savage) but honestly don’t have the patience for much of it.

Anyway, it was late and I was bored and tired and so I clicked on it. The theme of the article was something like, ‘Advice I’d give my daughter about selecting a husband,’ and it was written by a guy (sorry, I don’t remember the exact title, this was months ago). There, amongst a lot of trite ‘tips’, was this statement:

Don’t put too much importance on sex. You’re looking for the man who you’re going to spend the rest of your life with. Not the man who’s the best lover.  I’m paraphrasing.

So, clearly I have no clue about what makes a good husband or good husband material.  That’s a given.  But I do know this:

SEX IS IMPORTANT.  VERY IMPORTANT.

It is surely not the most important thing in a relationship, and I most certainly don’t think people should necessarily marry the best lover they’ve ever had (unless they’re lucky enough to also be in love with that person and want to build a life with them, and vice versa). But to say, “don’t put too much importance on sex” implies that sex isn’t that important.  And that’s just wrong. Dead wrong.

For most people.

I get that it’s different for people with really low sex drives. And maybe for people who marry as virgins(?). But for the rest of us…


Tags: , , , ,

10 to “Sex Matters. A LOT!”


  1. Terry says:

    sex is important, it is essential. And perhaps sex is another word for chemistry, because if there is good chemistry between people it usually translates to good sex (although, I’ve seen some exceptions to this).

    BTW – I love podcasts to help me sleep. However, with a new son- I find that I keep the earbuds out because if he cries I want to help. My wife is kind enough to breastfeed him, so sometimes my help is just holding him for a bit while she gets ready and getting her some water – but I do what I can. Enough about me though– we have a child (trying to tie in my loose ends here) – because we had and have great sex. We also have great chemistry.

    Had my wife and I not great sex I would have never progressed any further in the relationship

  2. Black Iris says:

    I would say that you have to have chemistry/be attracted to the person. I think being a good lover is related to being a caring and considerate person and paying attention to what they like. So I would tell my kids to look for someone they were attracted to who cared about their pleasure.

    Where I might agree with the guy in the podcast is that someone who doesn’t know as much about techniques can learn and be a great lover, but someone who already knows what to do in bed might actually not always be a great lover. So looking for a guy with the most knowledge (“best” lover) might not matter as much as looking for a guy who will learn what you want and do it. However, I am not sure the advice would apply as much to people in their 30s or 40s who’ve been single and had a bunch of relationships.

  3. Catherine says:

    I agree. I’ve been in a relationship where the sex was lacking and it entered into other areas of our relationship. When the sex is good, you satisfy eachother and have that chemistry, it just helps everything else be in synch too. But I don’t think great sex can make a great relationship, you need to have the foundations there as well. Great post!

  4. Sharon says:

    What?? There are people out there who don’t think sex is important??!! Oh wait….Sister Margaret Josephine, my eighth grade teacher…that’s who you mean, right? Seriously, sex can make a good relationship great. Period. Only downside I can see is that great sex can keep you in a bad relationship for a “just a tad” too long. Other than that, no negatives in my book.

  5. Lelo elise says:

    Sex makes the relationship get strong… I would say, a relationship with no sex is a bit boring cos that what makes the both of you realize how beautiful the chemistry you are currently having. I didn’t mean that sex is most important thing we should have to consider in a relationship. You just need to put balance on that. What’s actually important is the way you feel for each other. As long as you’re both happy, then good.!

  6. VJ says:

    Obviously some clarifications may be in order here.

    1.) The dude likely meant ‘don’t fall for the first big dick that pleases you’. Or the ‘biggest dick’ that seems to fit. But often the overall ‘champ’ in the sack can be really completely incompatible many other places, OK? Sex may indeed be very important, but how it fits into your life & if he/she is able to lovingly endure with you? More important still.

    2.) Sister Margaret Josephine called to say that all those strict admonitions against sex were meant to scare the girls away from the boys. And vice versa too. It’s perfectly fine for girl-girl & ‘self pleasuring’ action. And that they’ve updated the film strip library now too.

    Cheers, ‘VJ’

  7. Aplus says:

    Yes i fully agree, let me put it this way, making love is important, it is the most intimite feeling you can ever have with your partner, and therefore very special. You have to be on the same page.

  8. Frank says:

    SEX IS VERY IMPORTANT.
    The ones that would consider SEX not so important are the ones probably with low sex drive.
    I do agree that a relationship completely based on SEX is not quiet a relationship, it does need some other values.
    For me personally SEX is one of the factors that keeps the relationship going.

  9. I think sex is really important. I was in a long-term relationship where I wasn’t in a place where I wanted to be having sex. I was on antidepressants (they majorly eff up your sex drive), I was emotionally unstable (also majorly effs up sex drive) and I was never really attracted to my boyfriend from the start (I like to say our chemistry “built” over time). Well, he was a wonderful partner. I loved him. I trusted him. We had a good thing, but it would never work because the sex was lacking.
    I dated someone else recently who I was literally addicted to because of the sex. He was a toxic person otherwise. Non-committal. But we had more chemistry than anyone I had ever been with. It was amazing and heaven and intoxicating. But it wasn’t right either.
    Like all things in life…. BALANCE! You need both.
    Mallory @ My Quarter Life (Crisis) recently posted..When Men Bring out the Crazy in YouMy Profile

  10. Sam says:

    I 100% agree! Sex is an incredibly important part of a relationship. Obviously it’s not the only important factor, but more often than not the sex you are having is reflective of how happy you are in other areas of your life.