Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

It’s a Learning PROCESS

I’ve been sitting on this story for a while because that’s what I do. I sit on stories until I’m ready to tell them. Until the right amount of time has passed and I feel ready to put it down on paper in some coherent way.

So a while ago I went out with this guy. And I liked him. A bit. But I knew, instinctively that I shouldn’t.

He was trouble.

So much so, that I knew (KNEW) that I probably shouldn’t have gone out with him in the first place.

But I did. Because he asked. And, truth is, I was genuinely interested. Even though I shouldn’t have been. That is, I should’ve* known better. There’s no need to get into details here. Let’s just say there were things I knew about him, right from that start, that should have sent me screaming (and no he wasn’t married – I don’t do THAT).

Anyway, skip to a couple of weeks later. We’d gone out a few times. And one of my good asked me about him.  So I described him.  And what came out of my mouth was a stream of negative descriptors (among them: ).  At which point my friend said, “sounds like your type.”


He (my friend) was right, though. FWIW, I hadn’t meant to describe the guy so negatively. Those were just the things that came to mind. And there were a few nice things thrown in there, too.

I saw the situation for what it was, a disaster waiting to happen.

Another WRONG guy.

But for some dumbass reason I went out with him anyway.

Which is, I guess, progress. Years ago, I would’ve dated him for months, been miserable and not known why. Now I know why. And I knew enough to not continue to date him.

Learning is a process. Maybe there’ll be a time, sometime soon, when I won’t find these guys attractive. When they’ll hit on me and I’ll walk away, without looking back.

Maybe.  I hope.

*Please don’t give me a lot of crap about shoulding myself to death. Randomly, I’ve been told twice in the last few weeks (first time by a well known astrologer and the time second by a palm reader) that I’m too hard on myself. I’m working on it. And eating better, and sleeping more (some) and getting back into yoga…

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7 to “It’s a Learning PROCESS”

  1. NikkiB says:

    It IS a learning process. Period. And it’s really difficult to change ingrained behaviors – including giving excuses to people that don’t deserve it so you don’t have to do the walking (which is hard to do all by itself when there’s no “major” reason to – know what I mean?). I think it’s like anything else – first step is self-awareness. From there, you work on it.

    I also think we beat ourselves up a lot – wasting energy making ourselves feel like shit without actually changing anything. That’s not a veiled insult: I mean it. When we are hard on ourselves, it weakens our resolve. Hey, how many studies show that animals, pets, children, etc respond better to positive reinforcement than negative?

    PS YAY for YOGA!! 😀

    • Simone Grant says:

      I’m still picking apart the whole “hard on myself’ thing. It’s clearly a big part of who I am. But also an unhealthy part of who I am. How I pick that apart, I’m not entirely sure. Or even, if I should.

      What’s that saying about an unexamined life…

  2. Lara says:

    Yay for getting back into yoga!!!!! :)

    • Simone Grant says:

      Yes. I’ve spoken with several people about one-on-one lessons to ease me back into it (I had a major injury and lots of pt). But nothing has worked out. I’m just going to have to bite the bullet and sign up for classes again.

  3. GT says:

    Is it really learning a lesson if the true reason you didn’t continue seeing him was because he wasn’t interested and didn’t pursue anything with you?

    • Simone Grant says:

      Interesting question. I’m assuming you asked because you think a) you know what happened and b) you think you know the answer.

      I doubt that either is true.

      “Is it really learning a lesson if the true reason you didn’t continue seeing him was because he wasn’t interested and didn’t pursue anything with you?” Yes. A different lesson than if I realized it and pulled the plug, but a lesson nonetheless. That’s the beauty of this world, there are lessons all around. All it takes is eyes and ears and an open mind.

  4. Yvie says:

    I’ve been in this situation many times as well, but I have also noticed that these relationships (situations, whatever) don’t last nearly as long as they used to. Granted, this means that I’ve gone through more men in the past year than I have in the 2 whole years before that, but I guess that’s what it takes to ‘date smart’.

    Good job knowing when to call it quits!