Don’t Say Hello
There are things I wish I could say to men on the first date. Before the first date. Telepathically as they first lay eyes on me.
– Sex is very important to me. I said VERY IMPORTANT to me.
– I have a lousy memory but am damn good at catching people in lies.
– I don’t suffer fools gladly.
– Complexity is sexy. Simplicity, not so much.
I should probably stop. I could go on all day, and the longer the list gets, the scarier/more deranged I seem. But there is one more/big thing I need to mention, and this one is the true topic of today’s post.
– Don’t say hello if you’re not in the habit of saying goodbye.
Goodbye. It’s a simple concept.
Speaking of goodbye and goodbyes, I have a short story to tell. I probably should have warned you about the tangents.
One of my dearest friends had been seeing someone for a couple of months. It wasn’t super-serious, but they’d been seeing each other every weekend. Here I should note that the guy he was seeing lived more than an hour away. My friend realized at the two-ish month point that the relationship really didn’t have a future and he just wasn’t that into the guy. Or vice versa. So he arrived at their next date (driving over an hour) and immediately told the guy in question that he’d enjoyed spending time with him but blah blah blah.
The exact words don’t matter. He said something to the effect that they weren’t a good match. And since my friend is a very smart and sensitive guy I know he didn’t do anything stupid like give reasons or place blame. At least, I hope he didn’t.
Anyway, the guy he was dating got mad and basically asked him why he’d come all that way just to end things. And then suggested that it would have been better if he just disappeared. Which is, I guess, what he would’ve done. Faded.
Truth: There are people who fade and people who don’t.
My friend is not the kind of person who fades. It would eat away at him. He believes that people deserve a simple goodbye. So that they know.
For those of you who are unfamiliar with the term, the fade, here’s a working definition. The fade is when a person doesn’t want to come out and say, “I don’t want to see you anymore” or something to that effect (and hopefully more polite) and so instead discontinues all communication. Thus, fading, is the act of disappearing from a relationship instead of picking up the phone and communicating a desire to end things.
I have very strong thoughts and feelings about The Fade. I think that people who choose to fade, rather than simply saying, “I don’t think we’re a good match,” are selfish. Amongst other things.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m no angel. I’ve been tempted to do it myself. To simply disappear from casual relationships. But, in the end, I always stop myself. My rule of thumb is simple – more than 4 or 5 dates and the guy deserves a call. Less than that…it’s debatable. If he calls, texts or emails more than 2x before getting the hint then the right thing to do is to pick up the damn phone.
He doesn’t deserve an explanation, but he deserves a call. So that he isn’t wondering (not that I think guys are sitting around wondering about me, but people do think about one another, and I never want to be THAT WOMAN). Because, seriously, there is nothing worse than wondering… maybe he didn’t get the message, he’s probably really busy with that new project, I should give it another day, did I do something to offend him?, are we still getting together next Friday because I haven’t heard anything from him and he isn’t returning my calls/texts…
Wondering sucks. Communication is awesome. That is all.
Now go check out what the other members of the Insomnia Club have written. And bookmark their blogs while you’re at it.
Tags: #insomniaclub, feelings, the fade, Twitter