YES! I’m back on schedule and that means today we have a guest post (I’m smiling so hard my face hurts). Today’s amazing guest author is Julie who blogs regularly at Dating Sure is a Whole Lot of What? Not!
Bizarro Bimbo Bozo
My plunging neckline is the first hint of how the evening will go. Five-inch peek-a-boo velvety grape pumps are another clue. Clingy halter dress, is there really any doubt? And, when Joshua says, “Society puts men and women into unnatural boxes. Men are supposed to be overtly sexual while women are supposed to be hard to get. I think men and women are more alike than different”—that pretty much seals the deal. Why not just come on out and Double Dog Dare me?
“And another thing,” Joshua’s peering into my eyes with the kind of intensity I don’t usually experience on a first date. “This whole idea that men want to be hunters? Bullshit. Maybe that’s the case for other men, but I don’t like a woman who decides she needs to be chased. I’m not going to do it.”
We’ve been talking about the book I’m writing where I try and follow a bunch of advice from bestselling self-help books on dating. The “rule” about having men come to women seems to have struck a chord. I don’t typically like to talk about my writing with men I don’t know very well but tonight’s different.
Without really thinking about it too much in advance, I’ve decided that tonight I’m going to chuck all sensible advice I’ve received in the past about men and dating. This first date is going to be my version of Bizarro Julie—the opposite of Superman (further popularized by Jerry Seinfeld). Instead of doing everything I’m supposed to do to lure in this sexy, older man I’m going to do the opposite. Here’s how it all goes down:
IGNORED SUGGESTION #1: Wear feminine clothing without being overtly sexual.
The experts agree that a not-too-short skirt or dress accessorized with tasteful jewelry and top let a man know that you care enough to look like the date is special without looking like a tramp. My here-are-my-boobs dress and soaring high shoes scream: “Bend me over the hood of the car and fuck me now!” I can make up all sorts of excuses about it being hot out and wanting to break in my bad-boy shoes. Instead, let me just say that when Joshua mentions liking a picture on my profile with cleavage I figure he will like it even more in person. The shoes are an afterthought.
IGNORED SUGGESTION #2: Have a plan and stick to it.
Being a planner has always come naturally to me. I love To Do lists, throwing myself birthday parties, and mapping out exactly how my life should go. Dating experts believe that having a plan can ensure a successful date. Do you know where he’s taking you? Will dinner/dancing/alcohol be included? What’s your exit strategy? These are the kinds of questions that help women stay safe during a date with a virtual stranger. Tonight I completely wing it by sucking down two glasses of wine, two beers, and very limited food in a matter of minutes. As I stumble up the stairs to the second bar I begin to realize that my date will have to be responsible for getting me home safely. Who’s going to watch my dog?
IGNORED SUGGESTION #3: Don’t expose too much of your past/quirks/idiosyncrasies too quickly.
In every book I’ve read about dating, the experts harp on the fact that men want to be with a woman who is special without being overly different. This tightrope walk involves being high energy without being manic, being friendly without appearing to be a doormat, and needing a man without NEEDING a man. Supposedly this can be achieved by keeping quiet for the most part, listening attentively, and not really giving up too much information. Yeah, right. The mildly pleasant be damned! Tonight I’m lynching the Pope, discussing the very helpful effects of prescription drugs, and inviting Joshua to go naked swimming. I’m unique, sexy, and more than a little drunk. I’m leaping over tall buildings and crashing into a heaping puddle in his arms. Freeeeeaky!
IGNORED SUGGESTION #4: Under no circumstances should your date go anywhere near your panties.
The experts are very clear on this one—no sex. In fact, anything beyond light kissing is entirely off limits AND is the woman’s job to monitor all of this sexually charged behavior. Joshua has made it very clear that he has no patience for women who play hard to get. Like most men, he claims to be immune to society’s pressures of viewing women through the lens of the Double Standard. Madonna/Whore? What’s that? Joshua is looking for a sexually open woman. Someone who knows what she wants and isn’t afraid to reach down and grab it. This “Who, me? I’m different from all of the rest” ploy isn’t really working on me but I’m also not stopping him. I know that if I allow Joshua to slip his hands into my dress I will never see him again. As he tentatively moves from one corner of my body to the next I’m aware of his growing surprise that I’m not being a very good Sex Cop. Arrest me.
And, that’s the thing about these and other rules. In many ways they are helpful reminders to assist women to live within the confines of expected behavior. I’m a fan of this in terms of being safe and secure. Drinking too much and getting groped in my car are not good decisions on my part.
I know this.
Where I struggle is with how so many of us blindly follow rules, guidelines, and suggestions thinking all the while that it’s these learned behaviors that are going to get us the love we so desire. Like so many women before and after me, I’ve fallen into the trap of believing that all I need to do is tweak this, pinch off that—and voila!—love will come knocking on our doorstep. Holding a bouquet of flowers.
Rather than doing the difficult soul searching work needed to decipher which walls we’re putting up when legitimate suitors enter the picture, we’re praying to the Just Do This lists. We’re giving in to the belief system that women need to change something (anything!) in order to be lovable, desired, worthy of Date Number Two. We’re racking our brains and beating our heads against the dining room table in a slow, dead, beat reciting the mantra: What on earth can I do now? I’ve tried everything!
Being done with Official Dating Rules does not need to translate into being bizarre on a first date. Excessive behavior is not the answer. It’s not smart and it’s not safe. Now that I’ve nursed my headache and gotten over my embarrassment about inviting Joshua to go skinny dipping, I think I have a plan. . . . .
Tags: funny story, rules, sin