I kinda disappeared again.
I’ve been trying so hard to figure out what to do with this blog. I don’t want to kill it. Not really. But the life I have now, and will have for the foreseeable future won’t really be a life I want to blog much about. No sex or dating (more on that later, maybe).
As I’ve written many times before, there are parts of my life I don’t feel comfortable sharing here. Not in detail. But I feel I gotta give ya something. For whoever’s still reading.
I’ve recently been diagnosed with a new (for me), not rare chronic health issue. I’m working with new doctors to try to get it under control so that it doesn’t get much worse, etc etc. Worse would be bad.
Unfortunately, I’ve been living with other health stuff for over 30 years and the meds from the long-existing stuff exacerbate the newly diagnosed thing. In other words, my organs won’t play nice with one another. In order to help one part of me, I need to hurt another. Working on it…
Needless to say, I’ve had lots of bad days lately. Low spirits. Anger. Depression. More anger. More depression. And I’ve also fought like hell against it. Because that’s what I do. I go to my doctor’s appts. Do what they tell me to do. Try to do what I can to stay sane and healthy and take care of myself. Take walks. Go to yoga. See friends. Live.
The people in my life have been great. IRL and online. Supportive and caring. Over and over I’ve been told, “You are not alone.” Which is nice to hear. And I know what people mean by it. That they’re there for me. And for the record, I have had people there for me. Spending the day watching old DS9 on netflix with me because I didn’t feel up to leaving the apt (again). Offering to come with me to doctors appointments. Bringing me food and supplies.
The thing is, I am alone. It’s just me and my body. Fighting it out. And… even if I was living with someone. A husband or something like that. I can’t imagine feeling any less alone. But then, maybe I’ve never really understood relationships. Maybe that’s just who I am. Alone girl.
Whatever. I appreciate all of the love and support. And messages and prayers, too. Things have been sucking. But I’m not quite ready to give up.
Tags: alone, health