Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

So About Sex

I’m not having any. . In fact, this is probably the longest I’ve gone in… well, I don’t know. Over a decade at least. I think. Maybe more. It hurts my brain (and other parts of me) to thing about it.

Especially when I ponder the why.

It’s complicated. Not that complicated. Just layers of crappy.

Yeah, I’m having one of my articulate days.

For my regular readers, you know my docs have been fiddling with my meds over the past year-ish. More so in the past 3-6 months. At some point, a while ago (I don’t know exactly when, it’s not like I charted it on a calendar) I realized that my was gone.


Now, here’s a tangent. Years ago, a dear friend of mine (who happens to be a gay man) described me as a gay man with a vagina. In relation to the way I think about sex, men and relationships. And also my sex drive, I suppose. I have always had a super-charged sex-drive. Which I like to think of as a value neutral thing. It is what it is. Or what it was.

All of a sudden, at some point in the last few months, it was gone. For the most part. Squashed by one of the new meds. Which happens. It’s the side effect of lots of drugs, I guess. But I was pissed.

I mentioned it to a doctor. Who was very unsympathetic. Her exact words, “Well, you’re , right?”

Yes. She said that. I was calm. Kind of in shock, actually. I told her I was single, but not ready to “close up shop.”

Anyway… there is more to the NO MORE SEX thing. While my sex drive is virtually dead. It’s not completely gone. There is one more, even more embarrassing issue. I can’t stand the sight of myself naked.

That’s right. I said it.

I was at the doctor yesterday (yes, I have a lot of doctors appointments, not my choice) and I’d gained another 4 lbs since my last visit. Three weeks prior. I am now 4 pants sizes bigger than I was this time last year. Most people around me are fairly oblivious (as to the extend of the wreckage) because I’m still, by American standards, quite small. But I disgust myself.

And because I disgust myself, I can’t currently see myself as a sexual being. It just won’t work. That tiny bit of sex drive that isn’t being chemically destroyed is being straggled by my .

So here’s how this played out. I made plans a few weeks ago to get together with the for the first time in SO LONG. And then I cancelled. Because I looked at myself in the mirror. And my desire died.

I’m really trying to fix this. First by working to stop the weight gain. Which is fighting an uphill battle, but whatever. And more importantly, to learn to accept this new me. Because the self-loathing isn’t helping.



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7 to “So About Sex”

  1. Sue says:

    Been there. Well, not with the meds (I’m so sorry). But where my sex-drive lacked because of poor body image, and also because of untreated depression and anxiety. Good news – you see the problem, and you know you want to fix it. I know women who give up, and figure it’s normal. :(
    Sue recently posted..Find your passionMy Profile

  2. Simone Grant says:

    I figured I couldn’t be the only one. What a sucky club. Sheesh.
    Luckily(or not) I don’t seem to have that ‘giving up’ gene. I’m too stubborn. I might wallow for a while but eventually I’ll get around to a solution.

  3. Sooz says:

    Been there too, in fact still there. I had a Mirena IUD put in to help with heavy periods. Up until then I had been enjoying my new status as a divorcee with a handful of younger men. Now I’d much rather curl up on the couch with the cat and a dvd. Alone. I too have put on a few pounds and am certainly still on the lower end of the ‘average’ aussie woman but as someone who used to have a ‘smokin’ hot’ body I’m not so keen to get my clothes off for a guy anymore. I’ve actually lost count of how many years its been…suffice it to say I think its more than 5.

  4. SoloAt30 says:

    Last year, I went through a similar experience. I was on prednisone and ballooned up 22 lbs, and while still petite, felt incredible unattractive and unlike myself. I took a long hiatus from dating and being sexual, even though there were people who still found me desirable. I just didn’t feel like *me* anymore. Gradually I grew to appreciate certain things about where I was, what body I inhabited, at the time, found myself in new relationships and didn’t gross myself out getting naked. And eventually I got my groove back (and even later found my old body again). Here’s to embracing the you now and finding your own groove back!
    SoloAt30 recently posted..Reading the Dating Radar for Red Flags and Danger SignsMy Profile

    • Simone Grant says:

      You give me hope. 22 lbs… sounds about right. Thought the number keeps climbing. My new goal is to just stop gaining (I can’t even imagine losing it at this point). When you’re little, like us, that’s a gain of more than 20% of our body weight. Shudder.

      There are days when I’m close to acceptance. I bought new jeans on Saturday. But then other days when I just can’t deal. And the idea of sex makes freak out – I can’t let anyone see THIS ME.

      Oh well. Thanks for the hope.

  5. Gia says:

    One cure 100% guaranteed – Natural Hormone Pellet Therapy. I sympathize because I WAS there. It turned out my hormones – the most important ones were frighteningly low. Now I’m on a bio identical hormone cocktail – the safest out there – call Bio Hormone Pellet therapy. They insert a tiny bead of this delicious cocktail under your skin. It kicks in quickly and lasts 3-4 months. I am happily having a lot of sex now. I feel gorgeous. I have energy. I can concentrate. My body is getting super tight because of training 3 times a week. I feel like I’m 27 again!

    Go get some testosterone/estrogen/progesteron through the pellet process. This is the reason why guys feel so terrific and are so horny all the time. That’s how I am now. I also lost around 20 lbs. to boot and don’t mind walking around naked in front of men anymore. Men go crazy touching all my new muscles and say that it’s ultra sexy.
    Best of luck!!!