Did I ever tell you about the time I had a guy tell me, on the first date, that he thought I’d be prettier? I’m pretty sure I have. But just in case, here’s the gist of it: Online date. I show up. Guy is rude from the get-go. RUDE. More than rude, acting as if he had a reason to be mad. As if I were a waiter and I’d just brought him dog food instead of the filet mignon that he’d ordered. Like that.
And then he says something about how he thought, from my pictures, that I’d be prettier.
Now, I’m gonna stop here. Because I need to say a few things about the facts here. A) In all my years of online dating – and there were many years – that was the one and only time anyone ever hinted that my pictures made me look prettier/more attractive than I am in person. B) I always used fairly unglam pictures. C) I’ve had plenty (a few dozen, at least) tell me that I was prettier in person. Yeah, I’m ridiculously sensitive about this. I was an ugly child. Cut me some slack.
So here was this guy treating me rudely and then telling me he thought I’d be prettier. Which is an unbelievably rude thing to say. Anyway, it upset me and I’ll never forget it. Never forget him, or that day, the cafe… most of all, how it made me feel. Like shit.
Fast forward to last week. I got a call from a guy I went out with months ago. Many months. I barely remember him. He called, completely out of the blue. First thing out of his mouth was an apology for dropping off the face of the earth (he repeated the apology several times during the call). And then we talked for a few minutes and he reminded me of who he was and he explained why he disappeared (life stuff). Then it seemed he was trying to work up the courage to ask me out.
My reaction? Obviously, panic. And a sick feeling inside. Not because I don’t want to go out with him. Not really. It’s just the idea that I’d show up and he’d be disappointed. Because I look different than I did several months ago. I’ve put on so much weight. So much. And a couple more pounds every week, it seems. No matter what.
I just couldn’t handle the look of disappointment in some guy’s eyes. Looking at me and thinking, yuck.
So I did what I could do. I was positive about the fact that he called, letting him know it was cool even though time had passed (I know that it must have been hard for him, it sounded like it was hard for him). But then I was non-commital and “so busy.” Because I can’t. Not now. Not yet.
I’m stuck. My life has changed so much over the past year. Physically, I’ve changed. Inside and out. And I haven’t yet adjusted to my new realities. Haven’t yet learned to like this new me. And until I do, I’m stuck.
Tags: disappointment, sensitive, Sick