Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

Stuck. I Guess.

Did I ever tell you about the time I had a guy tell me, on the first date, that he thought I’d be prettier?  I’m pretty sure I have. But just in case, here’s the gist of it: Online date. I show up. Guy is rude from the get-go. RUDE. More than rude, acting as if he had a reason to be mad. As if I were a waiter and I’d just brought him dog food instead of the filet mignon that he’d ordered. Like that.

And then he says something about how he thought, from my pictures, that I’d be prettier.

Now, I’m gonna stop here. Because I need to say a few things about the facts here. A) In all my years of online dating – and there were many years – that was the one and only time anyone ever hinted that my pictures made me look prettier/more attractive than I am in person. B) I always used fairly unglam pictures. C) I’ve had plenty (a few dozen, at least) tell me that I was prettier in person. Yeah, I’m ridiculously about this. I was an ugly child. Cut me some slack.

So here was this guy treating me rudely and then telling me he thought I’d be prettier. Which is an unbelievably rude thing to say. Anyway, it upset me and I’ll never forget it. Never forget him, or that day, the cafe… most of all, how it made me feel. Like shit.

Fast forward to last week. I got a call from a guy I went out with months ago. Many months. I barely remember him. He called, completely out of the blue. First thing out of his mouth was an apology for dropping off the face of the earth (he repeated the apology several times during the call). And then we talked for a few minutes and he reminded me of who he was and he explained why he disappeared (life stuff). Then it seemed he was trying to work up the courage to ask me out.

My reaction? Obviously, panic. And a feeling inside. Not because I don’t want to go out with him. Not really. It’s just the idea that I’d show up and he’d be disappointed. Because I look different than I did several months ago. I’ve put on so much weight. So much. And a couple more pounds every week, it seems. No matter what.

I just couldn’t handle the look of in some guy’s eyes. Looking at me and thinking, yuck.

So I did what I could do. I was positive about the fact that he called, letting him know it was cool even though time had passed (I know that it must have been hard for him, it sounded like it was hard for him). But then I was non-commital and “so busy.” Because I can’t. Not now. Not yet.

I’m stuck. My life has changed so much over the past year. Physically, I’ve changed. Inside and out. And I haven’t yet adjusted to my new realities. Haven’t yet learned to like this new me. And until I do, I’m stuck.

I guess.

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16 to “Stuck. I Guess.”

  1. Lisa says:

    Hi Simone,

    Hang in there! I’m sorry you’re feeling stuck, and I understand how hard it is to shrug off insensitive things that people say. I’ve always been very self conscious and easily made to feel insecure about my looks. I have always kind of been “sporty gal” or “outdoorsy gal,” and in those settings I feel fine. But, when I get dressed up to go out, I feel out of my element, and I feel like every other woman on the planet knows more about fashion, hair, and makeup than I do. (And they probably do.)

    Anyway, when you do get to the point where you’re ready to get out there again, here are a couple of things to think about. First, women are far more uptight about weight (our weight) than men are. There was even a study where men and women were asked to select what they felt were ideal body shapes for women, and the women always choose skinnier body shapes than the men did. The men were actually more attracted to the rounder, fuller-figured body shapes. (I know there are exceptions to this–men who like anorexic women–but for the most part, women are far more hung up about this than men are.)

    Second, we women tend to judge ourselves based on the attractiveness of the guy we go out on a date with. If we find him to be really cute, we tend to judge ourselves more harshly. But, as a friend of mine pointed out to me, this is pretty counter productive. She told me (when I was having a crisis in self confidence) that she had always assumed that she was “cute enough.” She figured that if a guy didn’t find her attractive, he would move on. So, anyone who hung around and wanted to hang out probably found her to be “cute enough” and that from that point on, they’d be evaluating how interesting she was or how funny, etc.

    All that said, there is absolutely NO excuse for the guy who was so rude to you, and he obviously has a serious personality defect. I don’t care if he looks like Adonis; I wouldn’t wish him on anyone.

    Anyway, hang in there! Try not to be too hard on yourself. There will always be people out there who are beyond rude. Try not to let them get to you. They’re the ones you wouldn’t want even if you landed them. Just be good to yourself!!! Take care; feel better, and I hope you feel unstuck very soon!

    And let your readers out here know how we can help!

    All the best!


    • Simone Grant says:

      Thanks so much. Funny, but on a rational level I know that I (and most women) am more critical about my looks than men. And that what I see is not what other people see. But I can’t convince myself that that’s the truth. Even though I know it is. If that makes sense.

      As for helping, you all help by being you. Existing and being honest and true.

      • Lisa says:

        Hi Simone,
        You’re right. It’s harder to convince ourselves, and unfortunately, it is so easy to feel insecure and to loose self confidence. I’ve struggled with it all my life. But, I do send you all of my good wishes for better health, happiness, and confidence. We’re out here cheering for you!

        Take care, and keep in touch!

        Lisa recently posted..Revelations from the SpaMy Profile

  2. Gigi says:

    I identify, identify, identify with feelings of stuckedness as related to dating. Oh, and of appauling first date behavior(which I have a queasy feeling was linked to assessment of attractiveness). Not that it helps.
    BUT your post did help me. So, thank you. I’m sending you good thoughts.

    • Simone Grant says:

      I appreciate the good thoughts. And the only reason I write this shit and make it public (you wouldn’t believe the stuff I write and DON’T make public) is because I hope that there are people who will read and identify. There’s strength in numbers. Or something like that.

  3. Liz says:

    I thought of your earlier post on this when I went to my doctor a couple of weeks ago because I had put on ten pounds (and rest assured I was starting from a higher weight than you). I’m pretty sure the weight gain is from my meds, which is ironic, because the medication has enabled me to start exercising again, and I’ve been very, very active.

    I don’t know if you are able to exercise right now, but if and when you are able, feeling fit and toned can help take the edge off the weight gain.

    I also took up a fitness bellydancing class, which is helping me embrace my more curvaceous state.

    I know what you mean about feeling changed… it was strange for me to re-encounter men after I’d developed my illness… I felt like I wasn’t the same person.
    Liz recently posted..the mona lisaMy Profile

    • Simone Grant says:

      I’m exercising when I can. Even when I feel like I can’t, sometimes. And that helps me feel like I’m fighting. Which in my mind is a good thing. Ugh.

      • Liz says:

        I think exercising can give some feeling of “control” over the situation, which helps, and some feeling of satisfaction that your fitness level is improving. There have been stretches with my illness where it was impossible for me to exercise, so don’t be hard on yourself if you can’t.
        Liz recently posted..graveyards and ghost townsMy Profile

  4. Shannon says:

    we need to drop a bottle or two, you and I…. talk about a year of change. I lost my breasts! tissue, nipples, etc! so this DICK, who was knowingly rude…. I HATE rude people. Even more, I HATE rude men. big dick, rude = fuck you! little dick, rude = what the fuck! go fuck yourself! stay the fuck out of my way!!!!!!

    I am so connected with the way you spew…. write, bitch,rant…. expel.

  5. Anthony says:

    That guy was an asshole. No one looks exactly like their pictures going on a date and his insult was over the line. This is gonna sound strange but he might’ve been in denial and wanting to make himself feel better, kind of like saying to yourself, “I didn’t want it anyway”, to something you can’t have. Or he might have thought he would have a better shot if he was mean, believe me, some guys do this.
    Anthony recently posted..It Just Doesn’t StopMy Profile

    • Simone Grant says:

      I believe you. I’ve seen guys attempt it.. The whole negging crap. I guess that works on some types of women. Just made me want to tear his face off.

  6. Two of Us says:

    Sad to hear that you feel that way. You first need to work on yourself and your confidence before meeting others. Know your worth, and how any guy should be lucky to meet you.
    Two of Us recently posted..Major Signs He Isn’t the OneMy Profile

  7. Julie says:

    Hi Simone!
    Thank you for the great post! You’re so not alone in this situation! I also had a guy once (just one among dozens of online dates!) who said I looked different in life than in the pictures (=worse). All others were and are telling me the opposite, I’m even better in life but that one jerk put me down so much I wouldn’t forget it either. But you know what? In the case with my jerk his words had the goal to hurt me cause I was much more successful than him in life, work, money, education etc And I guess he just didn’t find any other way to hurt me than to hit the looks part. Since your asshole date partner was rude as well I assume he had some problems and low self esteem, so he decided to go ahead and punish you for being better than him. What do you think?
    Anyway, f*** those bastards! I’m sure you look gorgeous even with some extra pounds on. You rock Simone!

  8. single gal says:

    I’m so sorry to hear that! That guy sounds rude and you better off without him!Online dating has a unfortunate tendancy to be so superficial. I’ve experienced backhanded compliments on first dates that are just as offputting as blatant comments because grown men should know better! I write about similiar online experiences in my blog:
    You are not alone – hang in there!

  9. Tiffany White says:

    Hi Simone. I’ve only been reading your blog for less than a week, but I can clearly tell that you are a very talented, creative person–and that really means a lot when it comes down to how you look. BEAUTY is as BEAUTY DOES. Don’t worry…you’re doing the DAMN THING well. Keep it up, and I promise you that everything will work out well.