Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

Simone Smash

So yesterday I tweeted about a conversation I had with my dear friend Jack from Brooklyn. I was trying to explain to him (and maybe to myself) that I’m struggling. With my emotions.

I’m .

Always angry.

Kind of like the Hulk.  Warning: You will not get this story if you did not see The Avengers. And why the hell did you not see The Avengers? It was fanfuckingtastic.

So I tweeted it and he replied, “Simone Smash.”  Hence, the title of todays post. Again, you won’t get it if…

Anyway, IT came up again. The anger. The very real issue of it, with my new acupuncturist. I’ve tried acupuncture and every other alternative and holistic treatment you can think of, before. And now I’m trying again. Because I’ve been and am trying so very hard to be not .

So she was sticking needles in me and we were talking. About the fact that I’m kinda full of rage. At myself. At my body. For letting me down. For just not doing what I need it to do. For not letting me live the life i want to live.

Always angry.

And always calm. Because that’s what is demanded of me. Suppressing the angry. Pretending that everything is ok. Acting normal-ish. Wanting to smash everything and everyone to pieces but instead quietly going about my day.

And my acupuncturist stated the obvious. That I need to own the anger. Fully acknowledge it and live with it and let it have it’s place. I have every right to be angry. But the way I’m living with it now. Always angry. It’s bad. Unhealthy. Contributing to my unhealthyness. Which I can see and accept. *big giant sigh*

So… this leaves me where? I’m not sure. Other than exhausted. And pretty damn sure that I’d rather not be the Hulk.

I’m sure that you can apply this to dating and relationships, somehow.

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14 to “Simone Smash”

  1. Katie. says:

    Simone I love this entry. We’re always told to “put the bad emotions away” but really that’s the most unhealthy thing we can do. It’s okay to be angry, sad, hurt, annoyed, etc. We have to experience those emotions that we can appropriately categorize and deal with them. Everything has its place.

    Thank you so much for sharing!
    Katie. recently posted..Procrastination & the Sneaky Hate Spiral (TM)My Profile

    • Simone Grant says:

      That’s what I’m thinking. And also that maybe I need a punching bag. A literal punching bag. If only my apartment were bigger. Thx:-)

  2. Terry says:

    Since acupuncture has never been found to work in any real trial- I can understand your anger– oh, not at that. When people say “holistic” I head “hasn’t been put to any scientific test, and therefore may be utter bs but sounds nice.”

    Ok- here is the deal with life- we are human, sometimes we are put together in a way that gives us less of an ability than others – and in this grand experiment called life, sometimes it just sucks. Chronic disease isn’t fun, no matter how “minor” or “major” it is. And, I won’t give you the “its all attitude” bs because some people are just merry fucking sunshine.

    Sometimes days are just worse, months are just worse, and sometimes it doesn’t get better.

    Now, have a whiskey – it is cheaper than “holistic” medicine, and actually has an effect — doctors orders
    Terry recently posted..Modern Medical EthicsMy Profile

    • Simone Grant says:

      I’d love a whiskey, and damnit if I shouldn’t just ignore all the warning labels on my medicines and have one.

      Those merry fucking sunshine people really piss me off. Not that I have a bad attitude (no, not me). Not usually. I’ve just come to accept that my current situation sucks. And it pisses me off. Really pisses me off.
      Yeah, I really do need that whiskey. And some sleep.

      About the acupuncture and such. I know there are no clinical studies showing success beyond placebo rate. But I’m that desperate.

  3. Nikki B says:

    What else can you do, really? Yes, at some point, we can actively allow emotions to fester, we all sit too easily with sadness or stoke jealousy or hate. Or anger. But, sometimes, you have a *right* to all of them – to sadness, to anger. I don’t think you can move past it if you’re always trying to pretend like it’s not THAT BAD or that you don’t have a right to be angry so you just won’t be angry.

    BE angry!

    Also… therapy? I feel like we’ve talked about therapy before, but a professional may have some really good ideas about how to deal with anger, and what you’re going through, that would be healthier than suppression. If you are seeing someone, and they can’t help with this, maybe find someone new?

    My two cents?
    Nikki B recently posted..My first interview: Curvy Katie!My Profile

  4. Well, we all get angry … from time to time.
    If you’re always angry (and I mean always) then you got to take a step back and really ask yourself ‘wtf am i angry .. does this shit serve me in any freaking way?’

    There’s something back in your history that’s screwing you over. Isolate it and that’s what you need to own, release and move on. Otherwise, you’ll continue to spiral down into the shitter.
    Martin Cooney recently posted..Healing Yourself: Do You Have What It Takes To Fix a Problem?My Profile

  5. Harry says:

    Hey Simone,
    I agree with Martin that we are all human with emotions. Hence, we do get emotionally affected when we meet obstacles/frustrations in life. Do let it out and not bottle it within yourself. If acupuncture does not happen to work for you, do try other methods. Let it out and let it go :)
    Harry recently posted..I Find Her Unattractive In Bed And Here Are 3 Reasons Why…My Profile

  6. Ashlee says:

    I was always taught that we succeed inspite of things not because of them. You seem like a strong and good person. Look for positive outlets, surround yourself with good people and good things will prevail.

    All my best

  7. Daniel Tyler says:

    Well You could try driving off to a nice quiet place where noone is around.
    Park your car, get out and just scream as loud as you can.
    Sure why not. Scream until you get tired. I guess that’s called just letting it out.
    Take a little money, not much at all, go to a gun range, rent a 9mm and fire off some rounds. You’d be suprised what that can do for you. Just might make you smile:)
    Daniel Tyler recently posted..We Have Added Another Article To The Blog Called "Chemistry With A Date – Can There Be?"My Profile

  8. Renee S says:

    The best advice about dating I had ever been given was to trust my instincts about people, but it is hard to stay true and form an opinion about someone after a date. Who Date, an app for my iPhone, was able to help me rate my dates and be honest with myself about who I was really dating. Not to mention, Who Date keeps me honest with a fun way of showing me the reality of my dating so I am playing with this app on my phone all of the time!

  9. Evie says:

    I don’t think there is a magic bullet. I do believe your acupuncturist has a point. Recognizing the anger is a step. Condemning yourself for your anger compounds the bad juju. I believe in Buddhism this is referred to as the second arrow.

    This may sound hippy-dippy, but I think you might benefit from reading the story of Buddha inviting Mara to tea. I think Tara Brach has at least one meditation/talk about it.

    This is another way I like to think about it… I can’t remember if it was Looney Tunes or Sesame Street, or maybe something else entirely…The animation I am thinking of has a big furry/scary monster. Very imposing, one doesn’t want to face it. I think it gets shaved down and what’s left after the haircut isn’t nearly as scary as it first seemed. I am not saying that the Hulk isn’t there. I am asking what’s on the other side of the anger or blinding rage the Hulk represents?

    Just reading your post I started to feel my shoulers tense up and my throat tighten as if to stave off the Hulk. It feels entirely different, for me at least, to see the Hulk as something needing to be acknowledged and invited to the table. Odds are there are many layers here and if you look at them with compassion and curiosity you might be surprised.
    Evie recently posted..Things not to do (if you’re getting a little extra on the side)My Profile

  10. dildo says:

    I use to be the same way bro its not really a problem its more so a form of stress. The way I alleviate mine is threw exercise or sex or even both. An I talk about to others or God and not all is lifted but most is. It takes time for all to be lifted cause sometimes we want to hold on to the bad.